Southern Dog Mom Translation Guide: What You Said vs. What Happened

We're all guilty of saying these things.

Southern Dog Mom Translation Guide: What You Said vs. What Happened

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Pick the one that's your go-to. Any of them below. You picked:

But that also means… we are so onto you. We know EXACTLY what you mean, even if you don’t exactly say it. In fact, not saying it goes so far that it becomes its own language. What do I mean?

Well, you tell us if this translation guide rings true to you!

Skip to the results ↓

01

"Someone put a quarter in the dog!"

The dog has, inexplicably, become a feral creature who’s forgotten how to live in a society.
02

"They never do this!"

Oh please. They literally always do this. Love them, but we have them on camera.
03

"They’re my little protector!"

Little Cujo is plotting how to cut the brake lines of anyone who even thinks about coming within a five mile radius of mom.
04

"I don’t even need a security system! I’ve got dogs!"

You’ve got a 24/7 shriek machine ready to defend against so much as a leaf blowing across the yard.
05

"Well, I just don’t know what got into them today!"

It’s a day that ends in Y. Whose well-behaved dogs are you thinking of? Your dog ate part of a tire.
06

"They’re so particular!"

They only drink filtered water from one particular bowl, will only eat the most expensive dog food, yet their favorite treat is cat poop. Make it make sense.
07

"They sure do love their treats!"

You’ve got a full-fledged chonker. While your little meatball is beautiful at any size, you should probably trade a few of those treats for walks.
08

"They just love being out in nature!"

That’s just lovely. What’s the dead thing that they rolled in am I smelling? Skunk? Deer? Trout?
09

"We’ll be there in fifteen!"

Great, then I’ll expect you to roll up in forty-five with stories about a lost leash, an accident, and refusal to get in the car.
10

"Don't worry, they're great with kids!"

They’ve figured out that kids are sticky and therefore, delicious. They will be sweet as pie as long as Junior keeps dropping a steady supply of floor chicken nuggets and sugary fingers to lick.
11

"They’re clean as a whistle, they just went to the groomers and had a bath!"

And then you took them to the dog park after a rainstorm! And now they’re like a Wonder Mop that grinds dirt back into the floors.
12

"They deserve a treat after being so good at the vet!"

They only ate two of the vet’s fingers, so they’re probably still hungry. Real friends admit when our dogs have to wear the Hannibal Lector mask for X-rays. (Best friend status if they send pictures.)
13

"They just love everybody!"

Except for people in hats, kids riding skateboards, any mail carrier, anyone too tall, anyone who looks too much like the guy who used to be a mail carrier, waiters, or anyone with another dog. But yeah, otherwise, everyone!
14

"Oh, they wouldn’t never hurt a fly!"

Maybe not a fly, but they’ve done a taste test of everyone on staff at their vet’s office, groomer’s, and a few family members.
15

"They’re a little anxious!"

Have they tried therapy? Of course not. Who needs therapy when you’ve got stress peeing, shrieking, biting, and hiding?
16

"They’re just like their momma!"

Until you greet someone with a butt-sniff and all of a sudden, you’re not invited to parties anymore.
17

"I swear I would do anything for my dogs."

Actually, this one is true. Zero lies detected. You’re a wonderful dog mom who would move mountains for her pups. And that’s why we’re friends.

The Doghouse Dispatch

Good stories. Zero blah. Straight to your inbox.

Join 40k+ Southern dog moms getting the good stuff every week.

Email address

Hmm… something looks a little off. Double-check your info and try again — no porch pups left behind!

You're in! We're lucky to have you in the pack. Keep an eye on your inbox for wag-worthy stories.

We'll guard your info like a hound on a ham bone. 🐾

The Verdict

Pick the one you're most guilty of, and we'll tell you where you land.

You already know which one is yours. Scroll up, tap the card that fits, and we'll show you what the rest of the South is saying.

The Verdict

Your go-to: that one

You and 0% of the pack are guilty of the same one. Here's how the rest of the South is shaking out.

Starting count. As more Southern dog moms vote, the numbers move.

🐾

17 sayings, and 17 translations.

You've said at least one of these things. Maybe you've said all of them. Show this to the friend who may need a translator.

Come sit with the other dog moms →

Keep sniffing around

The Weird Things My Dog Thinks Are Her Jobs Have we ever had security issues here? No, we have not. Interlopers? Never. Anyone bringing in suspicious packages? Not a single one!
Your Covid Dog Isn’t Broken We adopted Winston as a puppy two months before Covid shutdowns. He knew nothing except the life of a sheltered starlet, confined to the safety of our house and adored for his exaggerated proportions.
Every Southern Neighborhood Has These 12 Dogs, Which One is Yours? Every dog on the street has a job. Not the one on their AKC page. The one they picked out for themselves the first week you moved in. Nobody trained them. Nobody asked.

Meet the Author

Stacey Garratt is a writer with a background in comedy and creative advertising. She is on the International Screenwriting Association’s Top 25 Screenwriters To Watch In 2025. She lives with her partner-in-crime, a headstrong min pin named Rikki Tikki Tavi. Tavi loves sushi, the beach, laughter, and being a popular regular at her favorite patios. She was going to be a dog actor, but ended up as more of a rebellious ingenue.

Before You Go

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Hmm… something looks a little off. Double-check your info and try again — no porch pups left behind!

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We'll guard your info like a hound on a ham bone. 🐾

Southern Dog Mom Translation Guide: What You Said vs. What Happened