Why I Like Dogs

You know what I love about dogs?

Okay. I love lots of things about dogs. Different things about different dogs.

But right now – this very moment – you know what I love about dogs? Dogs can’t talk.

That’s right. Dogs can’t talk. The inability to speak has a lot of benefits. They’re not going to tell your secrets, for one.

“Hey y’all, did I ever tell you about that time this dip**** (gestures exaggeratedly toward me as I slip into my *if-I-close-my-eyes-they-can’t-see-me* toddler stealth mode) almost killed us both when he was trying to set his all-time speed record on a 9.7-mile dirt road, driving with his knee, a cup of Old Forester in one hand and a Winston in the other?”

Nope. Not gonna happen.

Lucky for somebody.

I just used myself in the example to keep it simple.

More importantly, dogs can’t interrupt or change the subject.

On Conversation

When I’m on “me time”—not on the clock—I have limited interest in conversational topics. Books, music, movies, guns, food, pretty women…

Hmm… books, music, movies, guns, food, pretty women…Feels like I’m forgetting something.

Books, music, movies, guns, food, pretty women…

Nope. Guess that’s it.

And there’s a 100-percent chance Fido isn’t going to butt in and tell me about the TPS reports he filed at the office today.

Or that his kid’s coach won’t play his kid because the coach’s kid plays the same position – even though the coach’s kid is six years younger, is afflicted with scoliosis and eats crayons.

Or about the options he ordered on his wife’s new Peugeot and the absolutely fantastic 102-month, 8% financing deal he landed.

Or that (INSERT DOMESTIC/FOREIGN POLICY ISSUE HERE) is the best or worst thing to ever happen.

Nope. Ol’ Fido is just going to keep his yap shut while I expound on my favorite subjects: books, music, movies, guns, food, and pretty women.

I love Fido. He’s a hell of a conversationalist.

A Conversation With Fido

“You know, Fido, I bet Barbara Jane Bookman looks like Jennifer Aniston, with the fashion sense and all-around good nature of Megan Fox’s character in Transformers.”

Fido looks up briefly.

“I bet she drinks whiskey and smokes cigarettes—socially, and with class. She’d never talk with a Camel Crush in her lips, and she’d never spend the grocery money on Famous Grouse.”

Fido wags his tail, half-heartedly.

“She listens to Jerry Jeff Walker and loves it when I pretend I wrote ‘Derby Day’ about her and play it on my guitar and sing it for her.”

Fido blinks. “She’s got one of every Browning shotgun ever made. She can back a boat trailer wearing an evening gown. She’s seen Lonesome Dove 54 times and knows all of Gus McCrae’s lines by heart.”

Fido sighs, turns his back to me, and lies back down.

“She can disassemble and reassemble a 1911 blindfolded in under ninety seconds, and her favorite meal is when I make country-fried steak and French fries with peppered white gravy all over both and A-1 sauce on the side.”

Not a single word from Fido.

That’s what I’m talking about.

I think the world could take a few lessons in manners from Fido.

Songs About Dogs

All of that got me thinking: What do songwriters have to say about dogs?

I mean, hell – it’s dogs and music.

So I called the great Touchdown W. and asked what he thought.

“Well,” he said, “there’s ‘Black Dog’ by Led Zeppelin. And Chris Stapleton’s ‘Maggie’s Song.’ It’ll getcha.”

That, folks, is why I asked Touchdown. Two songs I never would’ve landed on right out of the gate. That’s a gift.

So we kicked it around for a while and made ourselves a list. And this seems like as good a place as any to share our little brush with genius.

The Touchdown W. / CAB List of the Best Songs About Dogs

10. “All I Can Do Is Write About It” — Lynyrd Skynyrd

“Do you like to see a young’un with his dog…”

Dammit, man. That’s powerful.

9. “Waymore’s Blues” — Waylon Jennings

“If you wanna get the rabbit out the L-O-G, you gotta make a commotion like a D-O-G.”If you’ve heard better advice anywhere, convince me. I’ll be over here holding my breath.

8. (Tie) “Atomic Dog” — Parliament / “What’s My Name” — Snoop Dogg

It’s been my experience that when the music shifts from Americana and classic rock to

funk and gangsta rap, the party’s about to hit another gear.

7. “Black Dog” — Led Zeppelin

Not a word about dogs that I can rightly recall—but one helluva rock-and-roll song.

Foundational.

6. “Who Let the Dogs Out” — Baha Men

Early 2000s. The band party’s over and someone’s playing CDs on the PA. Low-rise jeans, midriff blouses, and everybody’s on the dance floor getting low-low-low-low. Haven’t had that much fun since.

5. “(How Much Is That) Doggie in the Window” — Patti Page

Gotcha. Not in this lifetime. Wake up.

4. “Maggie’s Song” — Chris Stapleton

“It’ll getcha.” — Touchdown W.

Disagree? Let’s see what Ol’ Touchdown’s boys on Booth Road can do to change your mind.

3. “My Dog and Me” — John Hiatt

I’ll give you a crisp hunjie from the middle of my roll of whup-out if you can prove you listened to this one alone after midnight and didn’t scroll through photos of your favorite dog, dripping tears on the screen.

2. “Feed Jake” — Confederate Railroad

Nineties country. A dog. A last request from an Everyman good ol’ boy. Mic drop. Close the curtains. Walk off the stage and leave ‘em begging for one more.

1. There Is No Number One

Number one is mythical and unattainable. That’s what makes it number one.

Like Shake Tiller himself told Barbara Jane Bookman about why she can’t be a “10. ”

Like Augustus McCrae said to Captain Call about Latin – it says what it says.

The Wrap

“Anything to add or change, Fido?”

*burp

*sigh

*yawn

“Good talk, Fido. I love you, man.”