So if you’re coming in, you better be on the guest list. You better be ready for your purse and bags to be checked. The bouncer’s name is Tavi and she is 11 pounds of not-to-be-messed with fierceness.  

Have we ever had security issues here? No, we have not. Interlopers? Never. Anyone bringing in suspicious packages? Not a single one!

Not on Tavi’s watch. 

We don’t check IDs in this establishment, although we’re mostly a 21 and over venue. On occasion, one of the pre-approved VIPs will request a guest pass for a kid or two, an allowance Tavi graciously accepts. It’s definitely the kind of exclusive invitation where you really gotta know someone to get on the list, although I have it on good authority that if you’re trying to squeeze in a plus-one on her watch, you can sweeten the deal with a treat or two

Every Southern Neighborhood Has These 12 Dogs, Which One is Yours?

The Modern Guard Dog 

Sure, the classic guard dog image is something more like the Doberman Pinscher. Sleek, strong, standing guard with a sharp set of teeth and an unrelenting dedication to the job. But in this economy? We’re all downsizing. No one’s living in the McMansion’s of yore. 

What is the Miniature Pinscher if not the Doberman Pinscher guard dog on an apartment budget? 

Tavi assigned herself as my guard dog pretty much from day one. Even though she was a frail rescue puppy, no more than a few weeks out of surgery, she led with her toughness.

It’s not like I didn’t try to talk her out of being a guard dog. I explained to her that our city is statistically safer than it’s been for decades. Once, my car got rifled through, but that’s because I left it unlocked.

The would-be thieves didn’t even find anything worth taking, save for a few emergency quarters I kept in my center console. I was usually in bed before 10pm. I never wore anything expensive. I just didn’t have a lifestyle that warranted any kind of protection.

The Movie Star

I tried to introduce her to a few possible career opportunities she might be better suited for. She came with me when I was working to help produce comedy and stage shows, so she had a natural ease in front of an audience.

She was whip smart and learned tricks and verbal cues easily. She found her spotlight naturally and had impressively solid comic timing on stage. She had all the makings of a star! Miraculously, we were only a few blocks away from a boutique talent agency that specialized in commercial animal and baby actors. 

But as much as she enjoyed the attention of the spotlight and the praise of learning new tricks, she hated the camera.

Somehow, she always knew when it was on. She’ll humor me taking pictures of her, but refused each and every screen test. The influencer scripts? Stage or bust, she doesn’t do the small screen. Our Hollywood dreams were over before they began.

The Negotiator

Maybe she had a head better suited for business. I started taking her to the office with me, mostly keeping her in my lap while I worked.

Within the first week, she went over my head and was schmoozing with the executives. By week two, they were carrying her around while they paced on phone calls. I like to think they were emboldened by her presence. 

There was a cafe down the street where the account managers would take clients to lunch. It was a trendy little place with a cobblestone patio shaded by thick petunia vines growing over latticework arches.

Its disarming quaintness made it perfect for softening tough-to-crack clients over honey lattes and croissant French toast sticks. And for the especially difficult clients, Tavi became the secret weapon. She got people smiling, laughing as she danced for French toast sticks, and relaxing as she curled up in their laps.

Her entrepreneurial spirit lasted exactly as long as the cafe stayed open. As soon as owners decided to pivot to a catering business, Tavi lost all interest in client relations and once again, busied herself napping in my lap while I worked.

The True Calling

Tavi has stayed unwavering in her commitment to her dream of being my personal guard dog. It’s more than a job for her. It’s her passion. She is living the career satisfaction more of us can only dream of. 

And if you think that just means eyeballing me a little extra when we’re out together, guess again. Tavi isn’t a mall cop security guard, resigned to lazily watching the outside of the department store jewelry counter for hooligans. No, Tavi is a full 24/7 secret service detail. 

Tavi’s shift starts right around when she sees me start getting ready for bed. The moment she hears the faucet turn on to brush my teeth, she’s gotten up, stretched, and begun patrolling the perimeter.

The neighborhood stray cats within eyesight are immediately dealt with by executing her signature move of high-pitched shrieks. The neighbor’s chihuahua radios in the affirmative with his glass-shattering screech and then the neighbor’s poodle sends confirmation. With this patented three dog security system, Tavi has deemed that the house is, in fact, secured. 

But while the house and the world at large is deep in slumber, a small dog’s work is never done. Tavi patrols the bedroom several times a night. She double checks that the door is shut, that no intruders have made their way underneath the bed or the desk. 

When we wake up for her breakfast, she insists on bolting down the stairs ahead of me, just to make sure it’s safe for my arrival. Once she’s fed, we go for a quick walk where Tavi is back on the clock again. 

The kids on skateboards? You better believe they’re getting told to stay back. The neighbors’ dogs? They’ve been warned… loudly. The postal-worker? Not even gonna dignify that one with a response.

Ambassador of Community Goodwill

Part of her security job is ambassador of goodwill outreach projects and I’m proud to say, she handles it with grace.

The owners of the bodega next door take a moment to say hi to Tavi. She draws small crowds of kids at the school down the street. She stops to be adored by neighbors. She gives tail wags and toothy smiles to anyone walking by with a coffee.

Tavi is a real Girl About Town and her guard duties follow her everywhere. Whether it’s our Monday lunch joint or our Thursday brewery, she’s on high alert, ears up like satellites, making sure that everyone who passes through the door has been guard-dog checked and approved. I’ve tried to give her a day off, even a long lunch break.

She’s certainly earned it, and I’m reasonably confident that the six-foot-five guy behind the counter would be perfectly able to call for backup if he needed Tavi’s help in a dire situation. But being a guard dog is a 24/7 calling.

Despite the constant vigilance and the propensity for false alarms (yes, it was just a leaf this time, but better safe than sorry), I love my little security detail.

I can hear the clack-clack-clack of her feet finally coming up the stairs, ready for her treat and her massage at the end of a long day. For having my own guard dog, it’s a small price to pay